Government officials have announced a radical new plan to ensure that the nation’s position as the 'Drunk of Europe'is maintained following shocking figures showing an increase in teenage sobriety.
'We are aiming to target the young in order to increase the overall drunkeness of the nation' remarked PM David Cameron in a speech at a seedy Prague nightclub last night. 'Many young people do not start drinking heavily until they reach the age of 14, and we can really strengthen our position in Europe by getting this figure down to 12.'
Many commentators have become worried that due to economic strains people are becoming less inclined to spend their money on alcohol, instead focussing on food, heat and clothing. The PM however announced a bold new policy which would see every child from the age of twelve receiving a free mini bottle of Vodka instead of milk at school.
‘Thish bold new pppolicy will ensure tha we have a higher level of drunknenness than any other nation in Eurooope’ announced the PM in a slur that suggested he was already doing his bit for the nation. ‘We will hammer those light weight frog eaters and show Euroop who is boss’, he added before starting a brawl with one of the bouncers.