Political pundits have rounded on Ed Miliband for being 'out of touch', 'aloof' and 'clearly not of this Earth'. The criticism comes after a NASA probe spotted him standing in a crater on the red planet, breathing sulphur through an orange and oozing chutney from his tear ducts.
After 18 months as leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband is still cycling through a series of complex languages known only to his kind, in the hope that one of them will appeal to the electorate.
"Carefully, let’s do this, I'm laying on your side", explained the wobbly-headed space freak through a cone on his head. "kzzzz, Frmpppt, gaboingaboingaboing", he went on, while gazing into a distant galaxy and slowly rotating towards magnetic north.
With the coalition being forced into a series of embarrassing U-turns, growing unrest on the streets and mounting impatience with a slow economic recovery, Ed Miliband believes now is the perfect time to absorb polystyrene cups by osmosis and grow a third tentacle on his back.
Not everyone agrees. "What the hell is he?" asked one exasperated voter, "is that supposed to be his face?". “Why does he smell of tarmac?” questioned another. With the public suspicious of sentient life-forms who can sort-of mimic human traits, Miliband’s advisors have pleaded with him to stop finding his own hands weird and stuffing them in his gills.
“We’re also working with a body language expert, so we can find out what it means when he sweats bubble-gum”, announced a source a bit too close to the MP for comfort. “And we’re encouraging him to emit fewer rainbows as he sleeps.”
But Union leaders were quick to support the man who can read soil and count to flip-flop. As Unite leader Len McCluskey explained, "Ed Miliband really speaks our language."