"Having spent millions researching and testing my wonder drug, explains Bill Smedley, whose cream is clinically proven to solve male erectile problems, "I am gutted by the lack of success of my internet marketing campaigns."
"You'd think there'd be a bit of interest in this, but most people just delete my marketing emails without opening them, and I've had even less success on LinkedIn."
"Even adding 'the one that works!' to my emails has had no appreciable effect. There must be men out there who would be grateful for a bit of help in the downstairs department, but they are simply not responding."
"I've tried all sorts of imaginitive ways to describe my product and its benefits but don't seem to be getting anywhere."
In the early days of development, Smedley approached Dragon's Den for funding but his application was rejected as unsuitable for the programme, although test samples of the cream were not returned.
"By a miracle, just when the money was about to run out, I had an email from someone in Nigeria who offered me a share of their family fortune just for banking it. A week later I was three million quid up and am now best mates with a lovely bloke with a mansion in Lagos, who was about to be beheaded, but wasn't, thanks to me."
"If anyone reading this is interested you can visit my website for a free sample at at http://www.**********************.*** I can promise your bedroom will be transformed into a Gladiator ring and you will be victorious."