Following on from a number of leading academics deciding to set up their own University, top figures in the underworld are set to launch their own “University of life”. The UoL aims to go back to basics and teach Heritage crime skills. “Britain is known throughout the world for old-fashioned good manners, tradition etc, and now we are exploiting a gap in the market by exporting heritage crime. Proper organised crime, with sharp suits and respecting people's mums. None of this gutting your nearest branch of Foot Locker or strapping on a rucksack and blowing yourself up on the tube. Victims the world over will be charmed.”, explained The new university’s Don, Mad Billy Balham . “We hope to get away from the traditional image of prisons as the University of crime. In fact, lesson one will be how to get away very quickly, preferably in a fast motor with false plates, then dispose of it without leaving any forensic evidence.”
In what will be a very vocational course, students will start out as part of a basic Victorian street gang, steeling gentleman’s watches and silk handkerchiefs while living in a derelict building. Students passing this module will be eligible to progress on to do the “Gentleman Jewellery Thief and conman” course, before progressing on to Spiv 101, where they will learn to sell black market petrol and stockings. From there they can progress to learning to manage a small, smartly dressed, organised crime outfit running protection rackets and illegal gambling dens, culminating in the chance at a bullion heist or train robbery.
In their final year students will be able to choose a specialism such as fraud, perjury, or extortion, with classics classes in gangland movie quotes such as “The danger of being a big man out of shape”, “It’s been emotional” and “You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off”.
Vice Principle Cynthia Payne was swift to point out that the UoL was no soft option, and would be very strict with it’s students, coming down hard on any misbehavior. “I’m not afraid to administer a good spanking or even the cane to anyone who steps out of line. Whatever takes their fancy”. There is also the sanction that anyone making a mistake on the courses will be sent down, quite literally.
A joint Quaz and shitsu_tonka production