The leaders of the three main parties are today making themselves comfortable in No.10 Downing Street after no single party raised enough to pay the deposit in full. ‘It’s not quite the big society I had in mind,’ said David Cameron of the house-share, ‘but it’s only a temporary arrangement until the other two get a place of their own. Anyway, after a long campaign it’ll be fun to finally get the chance to bicker in the bath with Nick.’
Reports say that Brown has taken the ground floor, Cameron the top floor, with Clegg somewhere between the two. All key decisions in the house will be debated by the leaders, with each delivering a set-piece speech to the audience of wives and children, none of whom are allowed to applaud. Decisions will then be taken by a popular vote, with the 5-person Clegg family suddenly very supportive of the first-past-the-post system.
‘What we can’t afford to do is take money out of the kitty now when we need it most,’ said Brown in an impassioned exchange about the No.10 housekeeping. But Cameron hit back, claiming that ‘What Gordon wants to do is continue wasting our money when we could be making efficiency savings now’, while Nick Clegg insisted that the household had a once-in-a-week opportunity to change ‘how the shopping gets done around here’.
By late afternoon, however, there were signs the house-share arrangement was already beginning to break down. Cameron’s latest video diary shows him rolling up his sleeves in the No.10 kitchen and getting on with the job of washing the dishes, but is marred by Brown and Clegg prancing about in the background and making wanker gestures. Meanwhile the other two leaders are annoyed that each time they persuade Brown to pop round to the palace and tender his resignation, he’s brought back five minutes later by his friend Mandy claiming that the Queen was out.
But despite trying to get on with everyone, it is the presence of Nick Clegg that has caused the most problems. ‘Like many others, I hadn’t really heard of him when the campaign began, and although I initially thought he was an attractive proposition, the appeal has begun to fade,’ said his wife Miriam today.
‘I agree,’ said Brown. ‘Neither David or I support Nick’s amnesty which would allow him to claim the position of Prime Minister if he stays here for 10 years, and we’ve both gone right off him since he upped the number of women he’s slept with to 32.’