Players, managers and pundits were lined up today to heap praise on a mystery footballer who this weekend added the 900th notch to his impressively battle-scarred bedpost when he slipped his winner between the legs of Norwich's finest.
The player made his first professional appearance in 1991 at the tender age of 17, when he was called upon to replace a flagging Denis Irwin after an hour of furious end-to-end action.
And despite some questions being raised in recent years about his ability to perform at the highest level, the star’s manager was quick to leap to his defence, saying “In all my years I’ve never seen someone with such stamina and ball control. He’s like a machine, relentlessly pounding away at tight defences until he makes that telling penetration.”
The footballer is known to be enduringly loyal, having cheated on the same woman throughout his professional career.
His manager concluded by saying “I can’t see his record being broken any time soon. Quite simply when it comes to this kind of thing, Giggs is in a league of his own. Did I say Giggs? I meant, er… oh fuck it!”