Manchester’s premier criminal syndicate has announced it will be opening up three hundred new positions in their local gangs in the area. The move has led to the north west economy making a small resurgence this week. The gang, headed by the infamous Lalley brothers, have stated the positions will come with free training in guarding gangster owned nightclubs, and beating up suspected snitches in the gang.
New applicants should apply in the alley of Tibb Street, knock three times on the large door and say the password of “Lotusflower” and they will be brought in for an interview. Applicants are expected on time and dressed smart. Previous experience working in violent crime would be preferred but would not necessarily be absolutely essential.
The new jobs were praised by Prime Minister David Cameron during his press conference this morning and he said this news was exactly what was needed to help young people to get back in work. “Whether it’s stacking shelves at Morrisons or breaking the fingers of a customer who has not paid their loan shark, all these jobs provide a step-ladder to recovery for today’s lost generation”.
The jobs have the potential to lead on to a future in organised crime. Due to a high turnover of senior figures losing their positions (ie. Being shot) the vacancies in higher positions could be limitless, but the jobs can be extremely stressful. Local gangster Jimmy “The Wrench” Eales admits that “working extra hours late into the evening can mean you miss the regular day-to-day routine of family life, but in the end it’s worth it in getting the over time wonga!”