The BBC announced yesterday that they will make huge savings by slashing the number of buns that DJ, Chris Moyles, is allowed to push inside his face.
The corpulent radio announcer turned TV presenter is one of a host of figures
recently criticised over their pampered lifestyles, with salaries to match their waistlines. Rumours of extravagance were confirmed by insider, Julie Cavanagh, Head of Caviar at the BBC Canteen:
‘Moyles turned up for breakfast one morning with his posse in tow, dressed as Henry VIII, only fatter, and demanded that a lavish medieval-style banquet be laid on. It was the full works – a selection of hams, trifles, eels, and processed cheese. All washed down with gallons of full fat milk. He claimed it was a stunt for Comic Relief but I didn’t believe him.’
‘As a finale, he ordered a baby pig to be roasted alive and presented to him on a silver tray. He took a bite out of it and began using one of its legs to intimidate Anita, his producer. He was like: ‘Have you ever seen the film ‘Babe’ Anita ? Eh? Oink Oink! She’s a vegetarian everybody. Hahahahaa.’ But she didn’t answer . She just sat there quietly sobbing.’
Licence fee payer, Adam Downey, a former fan of Moyles, said: ‘Nobody expects Chris to do his show on an empty stomach but when you consider that Sophie Rayworth gets by on little more than a lettuce leaf topped with a blob of low-fat mayonnaise it does seem a little over the top’
However, viewers were incensed when they learned that a recent commercial, in which fatty Moyles sits astride a gleaming white stallion, ran up production costs of over thirty million. The horse suffered spinal injuries as a result and had to be lead into the car park of Broadcasting House where it was stoned to death by the cast of Blue Peter to save on bullets.
Speaking from his penthouse suite in London’s Mayfair which you’re paying for, Director General, Mark Thompson, claimed the slaughter was necessary in order to feed his collection of prize-winning Dobermans based on the current retail price of Cesar dog food. Detailing further cuts to a range of hugely popular radio stations, Thompson said:
‘We’re legally obliged to provide Moyles’ with basic foodstuffs such as deep-fried king prawns and Wall’s Vienetta so it came down to a toss-up between some specialist channel called 6Music and my annual six week holiday in the Maldives.’
‘I hear the coral reefs look absolutely stunning this time of year.’