A local authority has joined forces with emergency rescue services to expose a callous individual too ‘chicken-shit’ to risk life and limb by retrieving his partially-blind Springer Spaniel ‘Mr Tibbs’ from an icy lake, it has emerged. Mr Tibbs , aged 15, but considerably more in dog years, and a loyal and trusted companion to all who knew him, perished during last week’s Siberian freeze after falling through ice at a notorious water-based blackspot known to locals as Hell’s Dyke for the sheer number of victims it has claimed.
Emergency crews arrived on the scene too late to save Tibbs, and despite administering CPR to the animal, pronounced it dead after fishing it out of the water with a branch. Williams, a father of four, who according to one onlooker ‘had refused even to strip down to the waist and mount a daredevil mission to save the tragic pooch’, could only throw up his useless hands in dismay.
Williams, who lives at Flat 315b, Kenington Rise on the Glenacre Estate - that’s on the sixth floor - said in his defence, ‘When I initially stepped onto the ice in response to Mr Tibbs’ frantic barking I heard what I can only describe as an ‘ominous creaking sound’ which I took to be consistent with a partial thaw. That’s when I thought ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ – Marjorie would never forgive me if I ruined these trousers. Anyway, by that point Tibbsy’s pathetic yelps were becoming weaker and less frequent. That’s right - they’re from Jaeger and cost seventy quid. ‘
‘Nobody is more sad at Mr Tibbs’ passing than me, but the fact remains he was getting old and had started to cost me a fortune in vets’ bills. I’m already up £200, less the trousers, this month alone and that’s before the Housing Benefit kicks in. God, I loved that dog. All this stuff is breaking my heart, but, you know, swimming was never my strong suit. ’
David Allen, of Stenhousemuir Emergency Pet Rescue ‘SEPR’, who tried in vain to perform mouth-to-snout resuscitation on Tibbs while the fully-clothed Williams did stuff on his mobile said, ‘Every winter we have cases like this where a dog wanders onto the ice only to succumb to a needless death brought about by moral weakness. In such circumstances, we always urge the public to ‘man up’ and ‘grow a pair of balls’ then dive in after the poor wee doggie. Or are we frightened of a little water now ? ‘
Miriam White of the RSPCA said, ‘Words fail me. Contrast this with the case of tragic Andy McDonald whose Red Setter ‘Sparky’ is alive and well and comforting his widow right now thanks to the heroism he showed on Loch Lomond last January.’