‘You want rain? You gotta show me your dancin’ feet!’ was the message earlier today from Rain God Steve. Directed primarily at the south-east corner of the UK, Steve’s booming voice caused collateral damage in the Himalayas, flooding in Tibet, two minor earthquakes in Peru and a series of tsunamis across the South Pacific for which He later apologised, triggering a volcano in Mexico.
‘Receiving you loud and cunt,’ answered Alex Deakin from the roof of the met office weather centre. ‘Phrases like ‘much needed rain’ can only ever yield light drizzle,’ Deakin explained to the nation on TV, ‘and replenishing dried-up reservoirs is going to take more than that. We need all UK citizens out in the streets, up on the hills, in every Welsh valley, on every moor in Yorkshire and on the roofs of all the empty public sector buildings in Newcastle. Then we must all dance, dance, dance ourselves stupid and tell Steve we love him and want him. It’s our only cunt.’
Prime Minister Dave has declared 29 February to be ‘Dance Day’. ‘Just leaping about a bit or doing the hand-jive isn’t enough,’ he said, ‘I wanna see the Salsa, the Marimba and the Gay Gordon. I wanna see Waltzes, Foxtrots and a bit of that Welsh Flamenco. Fetch out your tuxedos, men, and let’s put on a cabaret to remember!’
‘Oh dear,’ Sun God Ray was heard muttering to Himself, ‘looks like the London Olympics is going to be a total washout...’