Once famed for their quaintly logical approach to quality engineering, Japan has at last caught up with the times and is promising to do a more 'half-arsed' job in future.
Industry insiders have described processes such as Kanban, Kaizen and Poka-Yoke as 'tiring', 'a bit big to read properly' and 'too much of a fag' across the UK's industrial sites for several decades. And while 'workers' have seen their market share decimated by efficient, well-considered manufacturing principles from the Land of the Rising Sun, few would swap an increase in productivity for getting down the pub nice and early on a Friday.
"It is time we learned from the old industrial nations", declared Yoji Hoshintsu, as he meticulously applied paint defects to a floored motorcycle he'd deliberately knocked over.
"Leave out the odd screw. Pour tea inside a wiring harness. These are the mythical ways of 'Fuckit-That'lldo'.
Hoshintsu is a 'sensei' of the 'Just Too Late' system, which prevents items being delivered until the order has been cancelled. "JTL is discussed in hushed tones right across the UK sofa industry", revealed Hoshintu. "Often in the halls of small claims courts."
Hoshintsu is regarded as a 'black belt' at JTL, as he hasn't turned up in time for one of his own lectures since 1976. "There is a lot of satisfaction in knowing that however much you hate your job, you can still do it badly just to fuck the customer over", claimed the master, stubbing out a cigarette on an important-looking circuit board.
"We must fabricate poor records and then lose them before Europe's factories are gone forever. Or do it shortly after, from memory. Or wait for someone else to do it", declared Hoshintsu. "The Italian system of 'BlametheMafia' , the French 'BitTooDrunkToBeBuildingCars'. Spain's 'HurtingDonkey' approach to ‘things I’d rather be doing’. These give character to their products we can only dream of. And often a distinctive smell of burning."
Hoshintsu is adapting systems such as ‘Forceitintillitcracks’ and ‘TheyWon'tKnowItWasMe’ for the Chinese workforce, to make sure their quality doesn’t accidentally creep up. “Cheap doesn’t have to mean ‘acceptable’, revealed Hoshintsu. “There’s no excuse for putting in more effort than necessary. Especially if you make things in a country that’s adopted the ‘FlyingFuck’ approach to customer complaints.”
