Hundreds of homosexuals are leading a secret double life as dim bigotted sportsmen, according to the Poofs Fairies and Queens Association.
A detailed report unearths numerous gays who are too scared to come out for fear of being stigmatised and ostracised by their friends and family. These gays act all bouncy and lovely but in reality spend much of their free time being ignorant racists whilst kicking a small ball.
PFQA leader Dr Julius Rambottom said he had done his utmost to convince the secret footballers to reveal themselves to the public.
"The poor boys are living in a world of personal torment", said the flouncing queen. "If they would only admit who they really are, it would give such comfort and hope to all the other secret football players out there desperately trying to hide their grass-stained knees during intercourse."
Dr Rambottom told the story of one butt-muncher, 'Cristiano X', whose lover started to become suspicious when he realised X knew literally nothing about the world and would gob on the floor of restaurants between courses.
"Cristiano X is a high profile gay who finds things particluarly tough", said the fragrant Dr. "He maintains a near spotless public persona by appearing in outrageously camp underwear commercials and waxing and permatanning himself twice a day. But sometimes his deep desire for football breaks through his self control. When he's writhing on the floor in orgasmic ecstasy with a butt plug in his ass, it almost looks like he's diving for a penalty."
Homosexuals are being discouraged from outing themselves because of an anti football culture prevalent in polite society. The last gay who 'came out of the changing room' was gay rights activist Marty Blanchflower in 1995, who admitted he was a Sunderland reserve left back to stunned reporters at a press conference. He committed suicide a year later after rejection by his community and loved ones.
"Marty makes me sick", said his then boyfriend in an interview immediately after the activist's revelations. "Pretending he's a good-natured, sensitive individual when really he just wants to call me a fudge-packer and then refuse to shake my hand when I forgive him."
If the prejudicial culture is to change, and gays are to live freely and openly as ball-chasing plebs, it will take a long time and a lot of hard work. But small changes can have a massive impact in the long run, according to Rambottom.
"When you're convicted of GBH for brutally attacking a club DJ, don't give your reason as: 'He refused to play Wham'. Just admit it was because he's black and despite only moving here from Somalia six months ago, already speaks better English than you."
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Hundreds of gays too ashamed to admit to secret footballing double life
(7 posts) (7 voices)
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tommyc90
offlineMemberPosted 1 year ago # -
I made it to the end with the hope it was just not phrased well but was funny. sadly not. To correct you slightly dvo, it is a homophobic rant disguised as a homophobic rant. Shame, because in the current climate, and the stigma of gay footballers coming out, I think the premise has bags of potential.
Posted 1 year ago # -
arthurminnit
offlineMemberperhaps i am just a complete homophobe, but i didnt see it as homophobic at all, however, i may have heard the same item on the jeremy vine show about the lack of "out" homosexual footballers centred around the justin fashanu case, where his brother john, the well known ex footballing thug, said many disgusting things about his dead brother, including that he wouldn't want to be getting changed in the same dressing room as him.
just because its not written by waylandsmithy, doesnt mean its not valid, you load of tommyc90phobes!Posted 1 year ago #
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