The hellish 'art form' of musical theatre is to be made illegal in most Western countries, it was stated yesterday. It comes as a spate of dreadful musicals have plagued theatre goers in recent years. From Ben Elton's one man war on artisitc integrity, We Will Rock You, to the jewel in the crown of artistic horror, 'Cats', where grown adults dress up as felines, sing and 'roll around a bit' for a couple of hours in an exercise which is an assault on actor's dignity as well as the audience's patience.
"Yesterday I watched some play where a bin man declared his love to a talking dustbin for fuck's sake. Whilst trying to affect a New York accent; it was just awful. This has to stop." Said Gary Watkins, an amnesty international spokesperson for the ending of human suffering.
"Anyone who has sat through the utter tedium of Les Miserables will understand the need to act fast. If musical theatre is the arse end of performance art, which it is, then the latest offering, Rock of Ages, is one truly spectacular turd of an effort. Casual mysogny, jokes presumably aimed exclusively at the under 12s, a portly middle aged man who keeps shouting 'rock and roll!' to the audience at 15 minute intervals, and worse of all, a chance for Justin Lee Colins to find work. Enough is enough."
Opponents of the law have argued that it will simply push musical theatre underground, with unlicensed venues offering punters the chance to watch fifteen minute slots of out of work actors degrade themselves for a few pounds at a time.
"We already have a play called Tap Dogs, where adults don giant dog masks and, yep you guessed it, tap dance for a couple of hours." Said Laura Brenden, a concerned citizen. "Can you imagine the depths we might plumb to if that kind of shit went underground? Unregulated? Jesus Christ, it doesn't bear thinking about."