Buckingham Palace have today published further details of the forthcoming Jubilee festivities. Monarchy fans queued up outside the palace gates for eight days without healthcare or sanitation to hear the news, which was announced on the Her Majesty’s Facebook page at 10:00 this morning.
As this is the first diamond Jubilee to be celebrated since the reign of Queen Victoria, much of Britain’s public won’t remember all of the traditions involved and therefore some of the following may seem surprising, but The Palace would remind any doubters that these are time-honoured traditions for such an occasion and the Queen is very much up for maintaining them.
10:00 – War with Scotland declared
11:00 – William and Harry will gently bludgeon a Chelsea Pensioner in time honoured tradition
12:00 – Beheadings. Despite the abolition of capital punishment in the 1960s, this is in fact still legal and, although the ‘dishonours list’ is still being finalised, bookies are near certain Sir Fred Goodwin and the X-Factor’s Frankie Cocozza are on it, while Jeremy Clarkson is 2/3 in favour. One celebrity confirmed to be swinging the axe is Good Morning/Dancing On Ice’s Phil Schofield.
13:00 – The Queen will make a tour of the Heinz baked bean factory in Wigan – has promised to try beans on toast
14:00 – Jousting. Yes baby, this is the real deal; members of England’s high ranking social circles, possibly including most of the TOWIE cast are to take part, until the death if necessary. Prince Phillip has suggested the inclusion of helicopter jousting as well this Jubilee, in order to lend the event a more modern flavour, but this is still to be confirmed by health & safety people.
15:00 – Price Charles unveils his new hybrid-tomato clothing range
17:00 – Ethnic dancing. This has already ruffled a few feathers in the press, but the Royals are adamant that such an out-dated event is still included “to maintain a link with old traditions”. Prince Phillip is said to be a big fan of this and reportedly laughed himself into a seizure last April at a funeral dance in Botswana.
18:00 – Scots forced to sign humiliating truce
19:00 – Tony Blair has tea with the Queen and can play PS3 for 2 hours until Cherie picks him up
20:00 – HM the queen will read the Gruffalo live on CBeebies