Record high textile prices are fuelling a new crime wave, according to Inspector Gray of the Met. Police’s ‘Clothing, Cushions and other Soft Furnishing Crime Unit’.
“Thieves finding it harder to obtain metal have moved over to a softer target and MPCCaoSFCU takes it seriously” said Gray. “Only last week, a driver on a Darby & Joan day trip returned after a comfort break at Watford Gap services to find his passengers stripped naked.”
“What with all the freckles, moles and folds of skin, his first thought was they’d changed into Army camouflage kit as a practical joke” he explained “but after a few moments the sight and smell of a dozen colostomy bags was a dead giveaway.”
Justice Minister Ken Clark has reassured cabinet colleagues that the important work of central government is relatively safe from this new scourge “Our policies were already second hand from the Thatcher era and they’re now so threadbare they’re pretty well worthless.”