Soon-to-be-free fiery hate preacher Abu Qatada is to be prevented from attending any of the UK’s sixty-seven - made in heaven - Mecca Bingo halls under the terms of his release, according to experts. Qatada could be released on bail as early as today*, even though he has been convicted in Jordan of bingo offences in his absence. But the ban would ignore a decision by the European Court of Human Rights that Qatada would not get a fair game of bingo in his own country. The extremist has been accused of preaching a diet of numbers-based intolerance after branding the wolf-whistle which accompanies Legs Eleven ‘un-Islamic’ .
Qatada made the headlines again in 2007, at the Rochdale branch of Mecca Bingo, when he seized the microphone from bingo caller Reginald Smithies and claimed that eighty-eight, otherwise known as ‘two fat ladies’, would encourage lustful thoughts of the flesh and should be removed from the contest altogether. However, regulars at the venue suspected foul play and when stewards examined each of Mr Qatada’s five bingo cards, the number 88 was absent from all of them – a fact the evil hatemonger put down to blind chance.
In a victory for the Government, a court ruled that Qatada’s hours under curfew will not allow him out during Mecca Bingo opening times. The cleric must obey a twenty-two "two little ducks" curfew (quack quack), wear an electronic tag and is banned from using the internet and telephone to order tickets.
The preacher’s critics claim he is seeking to undermine western bingo by introducing a form of the game rigidly based on Sharia Law, where women over the age of seventy - three score and ten - can be beheaded for shouting House! Last night the Prime Minister’s spokesman said, ‘If he breaches any of these conditions he can expect a knock at the door "number four" , a bunch of fives "fifty-five" and if Her Majesty’s constabulary have anything to do with it he’ll end up on two little crutches "seventy-seven".
“Hang on a mo' - I do believe we have a winner ! “
*(or who was released yesterday)