A study by the Medical Research Council has established a direct link between saccharine merchandise produced by the greetings card industry and the diabetes epidemic sweeping the developed world.
‘Of course, we’ve known for years about the enormous damage an A5 card featuring kittens in a pram can have on someone’s IQ, but, until now, no one had really examined horrendous physical effects.’ said Professor Joseph Harris, who headed up the study.
‘We started off by splitting ten apes into two groups. The first, our control group, we locked in a room full of Haribo and flapjacks for a month. The other five we pushed into Clinton Cards.’
‘The results were disturbing. Three of the ‘Clintons’ batch fell into a diabetic coma on their way past a shelf of polyester bears, while the other two came back hypoglycaemic and had to be immediately taken into care. Sadly, they died some time later after one of our team sent them each a Forever Friends get well card.’
The research has also prompted a wave of whistle-blowing, from within the industry, regarding the inhuman conditions experienced by many of those whose job it is to create the syrupy products.
‘We hate them just as much as you do.’ said one anonymous designer. ‘But after seven years of photoshopping big grins onto pigs or applying soft lighting effects to some ducklings clambering around a hamper, most of us simply aren’t fit to do anything else anymore.’
‘There’s even one guy who does nothing but sew ‘I Wuv Woo!’ onto little frogs. He spends half his day crying and the other half on an intravenous insulin drip.’