Any non-Scottish people caught wearing kilts at weddings face at least ten years' hard labour in a Polish prison under a new EU ruling.
Sales of kilts as far south as Devon have increased ten-fold in the last 15 years, a boom attributed to increasing amounts of men seeking to distinguish themselves in a wacky way in a large group of other people.
Under the ruling, which is expected to pave the way to Scotland's independence from the UK, any kilt-wearers unable to prove they were born north of the border face will have their kilts removed in public, before being flogged 150 times. They will then face immediate deportation to a Polish working prison, with no chance of appeal.
The first man to be punished was Tom Bowles, 27, a chartered accountant from Surbiton. He said: 'I once went on a stag do in Edinburgh, and had a McVitie's biscuit a few years ago. I thought this would be more than enough to justify claiming some links with Scotland, but now I realise the error of my ways.' While gingerly tending to his wounds, Mr Bowles added: 'I realise now that I should have just worn a suit like everyone else. I'm not special after all.'
Andy Walker, a marketing manager from Southampton, said he intended to wear a kilt at a friend's wedding in Cornwall this summer. 'My gran's maiden name was McKenzie,' he said. 'I mean, she wasn't Scottish and she never went to Scotland. But it sounds Scottish, so I'm going to wear this kilt - I'm going to look amazing, and everyone is going to love me looking completely different from them. My gran hated Scottish people actually, now I think about it.'
Kilt-wearers also face additional punishment for lifting the kilt in a provocative way while drunk, or joking to women about 'what's hiding underneath.'
Mohammed al Masaood, a Kuwaiti stock broker, said he wore a kilt to weddings 'because I like the feeling of the wind on my balls, and because it makes me look like a real man, not wearing a puny suit.' He said he did not fear a prison sentence: 'Bring it on, I will survive the gulag . I love the feeling of turning up at someone else's wedding and trying to upstage everyone, including the groom and bride, by wearing something crazy that I have no right to wear. No-one is going to take that feeling away from me.'
Under the ruling, American tourists visiting Europe who claim to be Irish, German or Welsh will also face having to live for 10 years in Ireland, Germany or Wales before being deported.