The senior civil servant in charge of the Department for Work and Pensions, Leigh Lewis, has issued a stern warning that the country's benefits system is in danger of, "complete collapse", as a direct consequence of the election.
"Think all the stories that you've seen in the tabloid press are bad? The ones detailing the scrounging exploits of some workshy, scummy, Chav and his baby-making-machine of a teenage bride. Well let me tell you - you ain't seen nothing yet!”: warned Mr. Lewis.
As well as the loss of their £65K plus salaries, on being ousted from office and their positions of influence, most ex-MPs will also lose their main sources of income, such as lucrative directorships, generous expense accounts and television appearance fees.
After a term or more of experiencing the life as a first class passenger on the gravy train, many ex-MPs will struggle to find gainful employment outside of Westminster, and will have no other option than to rely on state benefits.
"Come Friday, there are going to be an awful lot of unemployed former MPs on the lookout for state handouts, and they’re not going to be satisfied with merely the Jobseekers allowance. Recent events have shown us just how adept these people are at submitting claims - and trust me - they really do know how to play the system - basically, because they created it”: explained Mr Lewis.
“In terms of abusing the system, we’re not talking about a few minor fiddles here. I’m predicting abuse on a scale akin to a coach load of Irish priests being allowed to run amok at an international choirboy convention, which has been organised by Haringey Council. And like those choirboys, this abuse is likely to bring the DWP to its knees”: he continued.