Churchgoers suffering from prematurely rumbling Sunday tum have a treat in store. It’s circular and a little over an inch and a quarter in diameter. Other than that, it’s got exactly the same ingredients as its bigger, fatter any-day-of-the-week brother. Pure beef, and nothing else. Welcome to the tiny but perfect Communionburger™, that fits exactly and discreetly onto a communion wafer or altar bun, with a tiny portion of lettuce mayo tomato and pickle in between, only from MacDonalds and served by ordained staff with holy and hygiene credentials.
Episcopal or Catholic, the message of the Communionburger™ is that you don’t have to suffer little children or obese adults as you remember the Lord’s death during a long service. If you skipped breakfast or have a late lunch scheduled, just make the sign of the hungry after the sign of the cross, (it’s a discreet rub of the tummy area) and in selected MacChurches only, you’ll get an extra special reminder of the gifts of God, along with a road safety measure of red wine
Other fast worship companies have been getting in on the act, with Burger King opening Burger Lord™ concessions in Evangelic outlets and Starbucks offering Star of David Bucks™ coffee and cake for Jewish Kaddishes. Greggs, the sandwich people are understood to be preparing a tiny soft roll “to put the bap in Baptists” during their notoriously long Sunday services.
Meanwhile, it’s understood Subway have been in talks with the Vatican about a hearty communion snack called TranSUBstantiation™. “The bread of heaven, the body of Christ, with a touch of lettuce, pray” asks one kneeling consumer in a TV commercial being tested in the US.