The Football Association, in conjunction with Simon Cowell, have announced that the next England manager will be decided by a public vote over the course of 12 weeks in a new TV talent show.
‘England’s Got Unrealistic Expectations’ will see hopefuls audition for the chance to manage the national team, with a select few making it through to the live shows where they will face a different challenge each week in order to show their versatility.
Although the format is yet to be confirmed, rumours are already circulating that the show will include a ‘blaming the referee’ week, a ‘blaming injuries and suspensions’ week, and a ‘pointing and shouting’ week. Plans for a ‘graciously accepting trophies and managerial awards’ week were scrapped after that ability was deemed unnecessary.
Even though the public will have final say on the winner, with the managerial hopeful who receives the fewest votes each week leaving the show, the judges already have a clear idea of the type of contestant they want.
‘We’re looking for a very particular type of person.’ said FA Chairman, David Bernstein, who will sit on the judging panel along with Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne, ‘A real no-getter; someone who can lead England to the quarter finals, or that round just before the quarter finals, of future tournaments.’
He continued, ‘The ideal candidate should be willing and able to continue the well-worn English tradition of taking people on, well, not so much an emotional roller coaster, more of an emotional B-road journey, with a car-full of bored passengers continually asking ‘Are we nearly there yet?’.’
The timing of the series means that the contestants will have to announce their Euro 2012 squad during the live final, with the winner then immediately taking up the job of preparing England for another disappointing tournament.
A promotional video for the new show has already been released. The film shows a hopeful contestant from the Tottenham area tearfully explaining that all he’s ever wanted to do is manage England, while inexplicably sitting on some rocks and staring wistfully out to sea.
‘As long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be England manager.’ says the contestant, called Harry, ‘As a little boy I’d practice making excuses for abject performance in front of the mirror, and to think I might now get that chance is unbelievable. But I’m just glad to be involved in the competition. After all, it’s not the winning that matters, it’s the taking bungs.’
Qoxiivi and VCG