Argentine President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has today reacted angrily to Foreign Secretary William Hague’s announcement that the UK intends to keep the Falklands but give Argentina the Isle of Wight instead.
‘We view this action as tantamount to a declaration of war’ she blustered. ‘Argentina has no claim over the Isle of Wight whatsoever and we will do everything within our power to withstand any UK attempt to transfer sovereignty to us.’ She went on to confirm that an aircraft carrier is already on route to the English Channel, and that air strikes on Newport will be sanctioned if anyone tries to fly the Argentine flag anywhere on the island.
According to Mr Hague the Isle of Wight’s sovereignty has been in doubt since 1986, when a local teenager was spotted wearing a blue and white striped football shirt with ‘Maradonna’ written on the back. ‘The UK now accepts that it has no valid claim to the Isle of Wight’ explained Mr Hague. ‘We are firm believers in the principle of self determination, and last year residents were all given the opportunity to oppose the change by emailing or texting me if they wanted to remain British. Not a single response was received – possibly because no-one on the island has a computer or a mobile phone, but the point is that there’s no direct evidence to show that the locals want to remain British.’
Argentina is also considering making a complaint to the United Nations following the UK’s planned demilitarisation of the Isle of Wight. ‘Removing all UK troops from the island shows a clear intention to try to give up what’s rightfully their’s’ complained Fernandez de Kirchner, ‘and sending Prince Edward over there to head up operations makes it even worse. What would we do with a barren, backward wasteland that hasn’t even got any penguins?’
Argentina has received support from several other South American countries, who have announced that they won’t be sending any crews to take part in Cowes week this year, and there have also been reports of souvenir tea towels being burned in the streets of Rio de Janeiro and Montevideo.
Mr Hague however has urged diplomacy, and said that he hopes Argentina will ‘give Ventnor a chance.’ ‘The Isle of Wight might not have any oil like the Falklands has’ he said, ‘but if you’re looking for a lovely if somewhat dull holiday, it’s a valuable and important asset.’