In a surprise move that has confounded his critics, ex-RBS chief Fred Goodwin has sent a series of unequivocal messages to the Queen in response to the inglorious removal of his knighthood.
“LOL UR FBUGLY HINESS!” was just the start of an hour-long tirade that began on Saturday night. It had been assumed that Mr Goodwin would simply slink off to his country retreat and soak up his punishment in a marble tub, but the ex-banker spared no time in sending off a volley of abusive SMS messages to Her Majesty at the weekend following a heavy drinking session. And he didn’t mince his words.
“I WUDNT PISS ON UR ERMIN IF U HAD A HEART ATTACK,” chided the former CEO in one of several texts before going on to formally acknowledge his debasement by suggesting “U CAN TAKE UR POXY KNIGHTHUD & STUFF IT UP ROYL CRACK. 2 B HONEST U CAN GO F**K URSELF THX40 SWTDRMZ.”
The mobile message attack was roundly condemned by the current chief of RBS, Lord Jaffa of McVitie, who has never texted in his life. “It is very sad that Her Majesty has received a punch in the eye for simply doing what is right,” said a spokesman for his office. “Fred should really do the honourable thing and just own up to the fact that his twattish behaviour is what led us to where we are now.”
Lord Jaffa, who is in fact a box of Jaffa Cakes, replaced CEO Stephen Hester in January 2011 as part of a government-led initiative to restore confidence in banking. Since then, profits have been on the increase but the incumbent CEO modestly refutes that he deserves any special reward. “I for one will not be accepting a bonus this year,” said a Whitehall spokesman for the high-calorie snack, reading a prepared written statement. “Yes, I’m in line for a knighthood. But let’s face it, what am I going to do with a few million quid anyway? I’d only piss it up the wall.”