Hollywood legend King Kong has angrily hit out at the lack of provisions being made for giant apes in modern society. The 25 foot-tall movie icon believes that the continued failure to cater for over-sized gorillas when designing public buildings stems from a deep-rooted prejudice against the giant ape community.
‘When I moved from Skull Island to New York I was told of a land where all were equal and there were great opportunities regardless of colour, creed or enormous size", explained Mr. Kong. "The truth I've found is very different. If TV shows are to be believed, low budget ‘80s cop dramas in particular, you might think to yourself ‘I’ve heard it’s a jungle out there’."
"Let me assure you it’s not. It’s just a load of high-tensile steel, low-friction glass and ridiculous, macho-bullshit slogans lit up with lamps.’ claimed Mr Kong, beating his chest.
"There’s plenty of parking for the disabled, but are there adequate foot and hand holds on the outside of the fascias? I expect the architect thought those bi-planes would smash themselves."
Kong is now threatening legal action against the city of New York, citing severely restricted opportunities for members of the Megaprimatus Kong subspecies.
Mr Kong is particularly critical of access arrangements, especially in some of the newer buildings. "There I was, my massive left eye staring into the apartment of some screaming bint, and could I get her window open? Could I balls. I picked at it for ages but it was really difficult, the woman eventually gave up shrieking and went for a bath. It was disgusting, I even broke one of my telephone box-sized fingernails. It's tantamount to harassment, I felt marginalised."
In an open letter to New York mayor Michael Bloomberg Kong has called for an immediate review of government policy on building regulations, demanding wheelchair ramps be accompanied by special giant ape access areas. He is also highly critical of current rooftop safety levels.
‘Many of the skyscrapers in New York are a real hazard for your average giant gorilla. The lack of adequate safety railings makes falling to your death in a hail of gunfire a real possibility. When I think about how I've been treated, it breaks my heart", admitted Mr Kong. "Or it could be indigestion, from eating that hot dog vendor too quickly."
A joint Waylandsmithy and Vertically Challenged Giant production