The SETI institute has today announced that it is abandoning attempts to contact life at call centres run by major Gas and Electricity providers. "It is likely that life once existed there, but after spending forty minutes on the phone listening to hold music, placatory messages and requests to use the online service, we have concluded that our time will be better spent trying to contact ETs many light years from earth".
Scientists believe that call centres were once teeming with life but it may have been wiped out by cost cutting accountants and a bonus driven management culture that had little regard for customer service. It is thought that a “Terminator level” event caused the rise of the machines and the elimination of all human life from the centres.
“It’s possible that some forms of life have clung on under the desks, but it’s unlikely that they are able to use the phone for fear of attracting attention to their existence” explained one SETI scientist. “We did once obtain a signal that we thought may have been from a sentient life form, but it turned out to be a sales call.”
The search for life in call centres began after a researcher at SETI attempted to claim 'Jobseekers Allowance' from the DWP after struggling to find work immediately following Graduation. His experience of dealing with the brain-dead automaton taking claims for benefit over the phone caused him to question the existence of intelligent life within large organisations.
"I asked a question about how long it would take to process my claim, and the 'woman' on the other end just responded with the next scripted question on screen.” he said. “And when I had to attend an interview at the local Jobcentre Plus, I quickly realised that the pot-plant on the Interviewer's desk had more independent thought than anyone else there. I can pin it down exactly to the moment their computer decided that as a graduate in Mathematics with an MA in Astrobiology, I would be best suited to 6 weeks work experience in Poundland."
SETI are currently getting very excited by one signal they intercepted coming from Kepler 22b, some 600 light years away. The signal seems to be emanating from a massive fleet of space craft attempting to tell EON about their change of address to Earth.
A joint Quaz and Jeni B production