Central London has been evacuated following news that materials from LUSH’s Covent Garden store were in imminent danger of entering cosmetic meltdown. The crisis - brought about after sprinklers fired onto Easter Bunny bathbombs - has been graded a Level 4 or ‘Lavender and Tea Tree Oil’ emergency, necessitating full clearance of the West End.
‘This is our worst nightmare’ said specialist Fire Chief Roy Fleming before donning a protective body-suit and entering the gently-fizzing basement ‘if these all-natural ingredients eat through the store’s metal casing, the whole of London could be showered with clouds of nauseating natural fragrance. There’s no way the capital would function for several years after that.’
LUSH was founded in 1994 by husband and wife team Mark and Mo Constantine - their avowed aim: ‘to market soap with the look and consistency of cheese from the farmers market.’ The company uses no artificial ingredients. It also prides itself on not testing their eccentrically-shaped products on animals, since a mass walk-out of laboratory beagles from LUSH Laboratories in 2001.
However there is growing concern that their range of ideologically-left-of-centre abluent goods are inherently unstable, causing intense nausea when brought into contact with air, water or reluctant male shoppers desperate to get to JJB.
If current measures fail, London Mayor Boris Johnson has granted clearance for workers to redirect a nearby sewerage main into the shop; ‘If we reach full meltdown, that will mask the worst of the smell’ explained Johnson ‘And we would be using 100% natural ingredients to avert the disaster – LUSH will surely approve of that.’
