Liverpool-based ‘Fans but Hooligans Club’ has congratulated their Egyptian counterparts on the stunning score in Cairo earlier this week: “Our lads had held the world record since Hysel in 1985 with 39 corpses” said Bryan ‘Brazza’ Doleman, Club Treasurer and honorary Director of General Racism. “It was a really good score for its time but we always knew in our hearts that record couldn’t last forever. So, fair play to the Cairo lads. They’d obviously put in a lot of training in relatively unimportant pre-season friendly matches against their own police and army during 2011”.
Doleman hopes he’ll have the chance to review CCTV of the event and may then lodge an appeal before the record is officially ratified “They’ve claimed for 78 but we understand that four were actually shot in the after-riots.” There is some debate in the media about it but Doleman was adamant “To me it’s quite clear. Under International Rioting Rules, those four, and any others still ‘in the pipeline’ shouldn’t count. But don’t misunderstand me - I’m taking nothing away from the Egyptian boys. They did a great job on the night and even 74 stiffs will take a lot of beating.”
“This has been on the cards for some time and is a wake-up-call for all concerned; except those 78, obviously. We’ve become more than a little complacent in England over the past couple of years and clearly need to up our game as a nation. Still, on the bright side there are encouraging indicators. There’s talk of re-instating terraces, which will be great for the running battles that today’s youngsters have never had the chance to see except on old videos. And racism is making a come-back; always a good sign where sporting-event fatalities are concerned. Asked to comment on the implications for the London Olympics in the summer, Doleman was typically bullish. “All the opposition teams together, in the same city, at the same time? What a golden opportunity for English hooliganism! Come on England!”
More immediately, Doleman has outlined a number of activities following the Cairo deaths “As a mark of respect we’ve planned a two minute break from chanting abuse across the pitch before the kick-off at the next Liverpool home game. During that break fans are invited to text abuse to each other on a one-to-one basis ‘to make it more personal’”. He went on, “ To be honest, everybody I know thought he was dead but provided a Care Plan can be put in place, we’ll wheel out Gerry Marsden to ‘sing’ a reworked version of one of his two hits, which will be available as a download after the match. Then we’re hoping George Osborne will let us have the VAT back so we can go out and get hammered”.