Theists, predominantly Christians, have long argued for creationism to be taught in schools alongside evolution, in order to have both sides of the story told. But skeptics have pointed out that creationism is common to almost all religions and that there is nothing inherently Christian about it; the implication being that Christians are not asking for creationism to be taught in schools, but are instead seeking to indoctrinate young children.
The Archbishop of Gosport responded to these charges. "We are simply asking that the possibility of a divine creator be left open to the young. They are free to choose what they believe, but how can they if only one choice, evolution, is presented to them?"
A fair point. And to allay fears that this is all a Trojan Horse for coercing children into Christianity, the Church Of England is throwing its weight behind a less heralded movement- devil worship in school.
The Archbishop explains this unlikely move. "Well since we're just asking for religious equality and not pushing our own agenda, it only makes sense that we look at all perspectives. And one of those perspectives is that the world is a cesspit of evil in thrall to a demonic overlord who delights in torment and cruelty. It's not what I go for but it's out there, some people believe it, it deserves consideration."
"I'm for it actually" said Des Nebbits, science teacher. "We're always asking children to think for themselves and question things, yet it's a false freedom really because there's always this assumption that they have to be considerate, decent people. If we open up the possibility of, you know, just basically not giving a fuck about anyone else and destroying everything around them in a thoughtless grab for base material wealth and undeserved power, then we're really allowing them to be open-minded."
Under this proposal, children would be asked how they would feel about living in a world where it was acceptable to revel in the pleasure of hurting classmates and deceiving parents. A value system consisting of solipsistic nihilism and greed will be presented to the children, and local Satanists will be brought in to introduce the concept of blood sacrifice to prove dedication to the dark forces that rule the heart of man.
When questioned about his views on whether an Islamic viewpoint should also be taught in schools, the Archbishop declined to comment.
"I don't think that would go over too well" said Nebbits.
