We are proud to present the world’s exclusive first interview with the Archangel Dave since his descent from Heaven last week.
Immunis: So Dave why are you on Earth?
Dave: It’s a bit of market research, the typical sort of thing, 2000 years on, how is Christianity to work in a modern society? SWOT analysis, etc. It was meant to be undercover but I forgot to take my wings off before going through customs at Gatwick and got nabbed by security. It’s a complete cock up, if Gabriel hears about this, he’ll take the right royal piss for aeons.
Immunis: God what is he really like?
Dave: God….um…he looks a bit like Bagpuss, you know, purple, white, tail, whiskers, that sort of thing. He’s a bit saggy and is missing some stuffing, but then again he is over six billion years old and it’s going to tell sooner or later.
Immunis: He’s a stuffed cat?
Dave: More of a giant stuffed cat really, he’s about 120 feet long.
Immunis: So when the bible says of man being made in the image of God?
Dave: Bit of misprint really, the book’s littered with them, but hell, you try getting a half stoned prophet to write in legible Hebrew, I certainly couldn’t. Basically cats are made in the image of god and the world was made for them. Man was something to do with servants and pillows I think, except those living near tigers, they’re meant to be food.
Immunis: The wings look fantastic, how do you like flying?
Dave: It’s actually a real drag. I get through the best part of a bottle of Head and Shoulders a week, trying to keep these things in good shape. He only put wings on us so that we can get away quickly if he was feeling pouncy and I think that seeing a dozen angles drunkenly flying away in random directions just added to his fun.
Immunis: You said ‘Drunkenly’, there is alcohol in Heaven?
Dave: Well there’s fuck all else there except clouds and harps. You can try shagging on a cloud but after you’ve fallen through a dozen times most people give up and I hate harps. Bloody awful sound even when played well and most angels can’t play well, mainly cos they’re pissed all the time.
Immunis: Any tips on how to live our lives on Earth?
Dave: Be nice to cats is the obvious one and another other top tip would be; don’t become the Pope unless you like being used as kitty litter. Not sure exactly what he has against them, probably that holier than thou attitude they have, gets right on my tits anyway. To be honest he isn’t much of a people cat.
Immunis: Lastly, while you’re on Earth what do you most want to do?
Dave: There are many things on Earth that intrigue me, but my number one ambition is to become a Buddhist. I'm not knocking the great cat or anything, but it’s an experience that isn’t greatly encouraged upstairs.
Writer's Note: I have no idea what my brain was thinking when it came up with this.