It has been disclosed that, mere hours after the news of having his knighthood removed was revealed to the public, Fred Goodwin is to have it taken off him in an embarrassing public ceremony.
"Well, it seems pretty fitting" said a Royal insider "The idea came about when we called Fred to inform him that he could no longer use the title 'Sir' and his butler answered and told us Fred was busy sitting in a bath of champagne and couldn't be disturbed but would try and pass the message on. We realized then that simply being told of the dishonour wasn't enough so we've decided to make him suffer."
Normally, when a person is knighted, the Queen or Prince Charles will partake in an elaborate ceremony in which they will pretend to take an interest in whatever the recipiant has done before gifting them with the honour (after which they will return home and bore their friends and family senseless by repeatedly telling the story). However, for Fred Goodwin, the ceremony will be leaving anything but a fond memory...
"We've got it all planned out. First Fred Goodwin will walk down the Mall towards St. Paul's Cathedral where the assembled public will be allowed to throw things at him. Eggs, tomatoes, bits of glass... anything they want to bring really."
Assuming he doesn't end up being taken to hospital as a result of having blunt objects thrown at his head, Goodwin will enter St. Paul's Cathedral and be given a dunce cap. Then, after being seated in a chair with a massive neon sign saying 'Bastard' above it, ten competition winners will be brought in to tell their stories of how Goodwin's stupidity has wrecked their lives.
"Because of Goodwin" said one man who refused to be named, "I lost my job, my wife left me and took our kids and now I'm living in a garden shed in my parents back garden and its all Fred Goodwin's fault. If it wasn't for him causing me to lose my job, I'd have never gone out and approached that policewoman dressed as a hooker. I can't wait to face the c**t."
Afterwards, Goodwin's humilation will be completed when the complete supply of leftover gunge from BBC1 Saturday night favourite 'Noel's House Party' will be emptied over him after which the Queen will hit his buttocks with a paddle several times and have one of her officials throw Goodwin out of the building.
Despite the fact this has only been announced, excitement for the ceremony is reaching fever pitch. The television rights were quickly snapped up BBC, ITV and Sky and the broadcast will be sponsored by the Carphone Warehouse. In addition a wealth of commemorative merchandise has already been commissioned including plates, chocolates and there are even talks of a made-for-TV movie starring Peter Davison in the title role.
This reporter attempted to contact Fred Goodwin for a comment, however his butler informed me he was too busy having his gardener trim his hedge maze to respond.