Sky TV bosses have today launched a new sports coverage service called ‘actually going to the match’.
‘Actually going to the match is raising the bar of realistic viewing experiences’ proclaimed Sky boss James Murdoch. ‘Forget 3D and HD – with this new service you’ll think you’re really there. It looks like you’re there; it sounds like you’re there; if you sit too near the toilet it even smells like you’re there. Christ, for an extra three quid you can even eat a shitty burger and get punched in the face by another fan!’
The service will initially be available on a pay-per-view basis, with viewers ‘buying a ticket’ to gain access to a seat in the stands, with plans in place to bring in an annual subscription payment plan, to be known as a ‘season ticket.’
‘There may be some issues with viewing quality in some cases,’ admitted Murdoch, ‘like if you’re sat behind a pillar or a very tall man in the seat in front who insists on standing up, but this will only be a short term problem. Next time you go you could pretend you’re disabled and you’ll get a better view. That's what I do.'
‘The scope of this is immense though’ said Murdoch proudly. ‘This technology can be rolled out for football, rugby, tennis, cricket, maybe even the Olympics. Pretty much any sport to be honest. The concept of actually going to the match is massive. Why no-one’s ever thought to do this before is beyond me.’
Critics have expressed doubts as to whether the idea will catch on though, and some viewers are already complaining that the service in their areas is not as good as it could be. ‘Football fan Phill Gayle grumbled ‘I paid £28 for a ticket to watch the football at the weekend and found myself having to sit through Workington v Worcester in the Blue Square Conference North. The quality was poor, it finished 0-0, it was freezing cold and my tea tasted like piss. I’m going back to normal telly - Chelsea v Man Utd’s on next weekend.’
Other TV stations are however considering making use of the technology themselves. The BBC’s Mark Thompson said ‘we’re very excited by the possibilities this offers. Imagine being in the audience at a play, going to a music festival or even being in the crowd at a stand-up gig. You could even interact without a red button in sight just by laughing. I think the public is going to be very excited when they hear they can do these things. Whatever will they think of next?’