The entire population of Britain was gripped by the amazing revelations of the UK’s top psychic in the TV event of the century last night. “The Mystic Mondo” (real name Raymond Grimes) amazed viewers of the spectacular Channel Four documentary “I See Mental People” by revealing that you know someone called Dave. He then went on to add ‘He’s maybe a friend or brother, possibly a partner or husband, maybe a father or son; perhaps he’s an uncle, cousin or neighbour? Work colleague or a mild acquaintance? Perhaps he delivers your post?’ The psychic then continued the sceptic-crushing performance with further mind-bending inexplicable details.
Peter from Reading said ‘It was just amazing. The accuracy of the description was truly astounding. He correctly predicted that Dave enjoys laughter and can recite the whole alphabet. That’s my brother Dave alright!’
Barbara, mother of two from Pontefract, commented ‘His description was such a perfect rendering of my Dave. Even down to details like how Dave becomes tired towards the end of the day and dislikes punches to the face. And as for the bit about how he has feet at the end of his legs well, I just started shaking and needed to sit down’.
‘Initially I thought it was just nonsense’ said Lucy from Hull ‘But then I remembered that Sue next door has a daughter who’s husband has a brother called Dave. And he has lips and eyebrows just like Mondo predicted. Explain that Professor Dawkins!’
‘At first I had no idea who he was talking about’ said Dave from Leicester ‘but then I remembered that I’m called Dave! And I know me!’
Of course, with the eternally calm and rational British public mass-hysteria and complete societal collapse were only moments away. Upon news that things can be predicted and therefore everything is pre-ordained and consequently freewill doesn’t exist, an immediate existential meltdown swept the country. The inevitable rioting and looting resulted in everyone missing the next scheduled programme on Channel Four entitled “Derren Brown Debunks The Psychic Fraud Mystic Mondo”. Derren Brown commented ‘It’s called cold-reading. Using high probability guesses and picking up clues from your reactions as to whether they’re right or not. Or in this case, he simply used the fact that you all know someone called Dave and then simply described a person you useless bunch of pitiful cretins’.