Retired RAF Wing Commander Richard Thomas (DFC and Bar) claims to have solved the mystery of why so many people claim to have been abducted by Aliens. “The Aliens are in it for the Tesco Clubcard points” he explained. “I’ve been abducted several times now and on every occasion they have stolen my Tesco Clubcard. It’s my firm belief that they are saving them up in order to mount a massive assault on Alton Towers or Legoland without having to pay to get in.”
Speaking from his retirement home in Somerset, Commander Thomas mocked the flying abilities of extra-terrestrials, calling the Roswell incident “A schoolboy pilot error. Those bally Greys cannot fly for toffee, always crashing in remote locations. They certainly aren’t up to Dambusters standard. I’d never have given them a crate over Bremen”.
Talking about his treatment at the hands of the aliens, he remarked “I wouldn't mind but they take you on the spaceship, do a bit of probing, then you lose a bucket load of time and they don't even pay expenses. Those Greys are terribly tight. Every time it happens I hope it’s the green ones this time, because I hate being probed by the Greys; reminds me of Eton“.
Having tried reporting his frequent alien abductions to the Police and the MOD, he has received no help and very little sympathy. “As I told the officers when they found me walking down the middle of the road at 2am, the smell on my breath strangely like that of single malt Whisky was down to the special alien medicine the Greys gave me.”
When contacted, the MOD would only confirm that a Leading Airman Richard Thomas had been part of secret chemical tests at Porton Down in the late sixties.
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