Always keen to put the customer first, Lidl has responded to a letter from a moron by renaming all their cheese-flavoured products 'yummy moo lumps'.
"We received a letter written in crayon from one of the retards that shops here, and we knew we could get some publicity out of it", explained Director of Idiot Management, Jeremy Faulds.
"The letter was a bit damp and smeared with our own-brand custard substitute, but we eventually worked out it was cheese that he was rambling about."
News of the heart-warming decision to humour a mental spread quickly across social networks. "My mate put a photo of this tatty, poorly-spelled press release on Facebook, and I had to share it", said Sally Westland, a computer user.
"It's always nice to see a faceless corporation exploiting someone vulnerable, just to shift a few more pallets of processed crap. Especially if by sticking it on my wall I can make people 'Like' me", claimed Westland. "Besides, it's just a bit of light-hearted fun, it's not as if they're manipulating anyone", said the viral advertiser's dream, who prefers Waitrose own-brand ‘I can’t believe it’s not Roquefort’.
Renaming products to bow to the whims of customers is nothing new. Tesco noticed a surge in demand after rebranding ‘Carcass dregs squashed into a ball, rolled in yellow bits and then sliced’ as ‘Wiltshire ham’, and powdered soup-flavoured drinks sell better if they include the name of a random vegetable in the title.
“We’re more than happy to appear to bow to our customers’ demands, and then ruthlessly exploit them for profit”, admitted Faulds. “Although we’ve had some legal issues, since we rebranded our canned hotdogs as ‘food’.”
