David Cameron has unveiled what he calls 'an exciting new proposal' to close down every single public library in the country and replace each one with a couple of benches.
"Let's be honest, who uses a library nowadays?" said the Prime Minister in front of Parliament today "I certainly don't. In fact I haven't been inside a public library in my life. I opened one once and had a quick look in the doorway but that's it."
Cameron assured that, although this would put every librarian in the country out of work, it would actually help the economy.
"Instead of having people borrow books, we can force them to go out and buy them instead. We can make elderly people buy hardback editions of Catherine Cookson books with their pension money rather then spending it on frivolous things like heating or food. And students can now buy reference books instead of getting them from the library and spending the cash on endless tubs of Pot Noodles. It'll be perfect."
When asked if he would be replacing the libraries with anything beneficial, Cameron announced that in the place of the libraries there would be built one or two benches, or as Cameron has dubbed them 'social communication centers'.
"They'll be an ideal replacement. While I have never been in a public library, I have certainly sat down plenty of times in my life. On these ben.... I mean, social communication centers people can talk about a variety of subjects such as what books they're planning to buy that week."
The scheme is due to begin in the next few months, with the initial test phases to take place in the North of England. When questioned as to why he was starting in the North, Cameron simply shrugged his shoulders and said "It seems the most logical place. I mean, I don't think anyone up there knows how to read anyway."
We asked a fifteen-year old boy in a tracksuit what he thought of the idea; "Yeah, I think it's all right y'know. I mean, I hate the f**king library. I only went in once to look at some tits on the Internet and the b******s had some kind of block on that kind of stuff. F**king librarians, I hate them the c**ts. Looking down their f**king noses at me." Unfortunately, we were unable to get any further comment as the boy left to throw chips and shout abuse at a passing overweight man.
When asked about what would be done with the books, Cameron simply replied "Who knows, we'll probably burn them all".