In a statement issued from his North Pole headquarters today Santa Clause has announced a sale of 49% of Christmas to a Group of several large multi-nationals and a Private equity buyer.
The press release said "As Part of a cost reduction initiative some livestock will be used in alternative roles and a substantial amount of Elves will have their energies redirected. Courier service DHL will now deliver 78% of all Christmas gifts, though of course there will not be any deliveries over the holiday period.
A service will be provided for gift recipients under the age of 12 without chimneys, this service will allow the recipients to collect gifts at a delivery hub, within 28 days of Christmas online-retail day.
Deliveries will not be made to homes with pine Christmas trees as a several of our delivery staff have had an allergic reaction to the resin contained in the plant. Gifts of cookies and milk will not be accepted as it could be construed as a inducement for preferential services.
The naughty/nice list will now be handled by Wikileaks and is open to all to view for a small handling fee of 3.5 Swedish Krone.
Santa Clause/Unilever/Microsoft (Sccum) believe that this initiative will allow Christmas to grow and give confidence and happiness to shareholders for future dividend producing years"
Elves are reported to be furious at the plan for an increased role in Taiwanese and Thai toy manufacture and the plan for reindeer only days at the staff canteen.
Tree Fairies have threatened industrial action if demands for 10 minute toilet breaks and trousers are not met. A strike later in the month could see teeth laying under pillows for up to 4 days.
Scuum have said they will not bow to threats and have indicated that Fairies may be replaced by Pixies and have already announced talks at an undisclosed Dartmoor location.
DHL to deliver Christmas presents in Seasonal Shake up.
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In a statement issued from his North Pole headquarters today Santa Clause has announced a sale of 49% of Christmas to a Group of several large multi-nationals and a Private equity buyer.Posted 4 years ago #
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