In an attempt to beef up ASBOs, magistrates in England and Wales and Sheriffs in Scotland will now have the power to include optional violence towards convicted offenders. Under the proposals, ASBOees will need to wear clothing marking them as ASBO'ed, allowing passers-by to beat the living shit out of the little bastards and teach them to wear a smug grin like their ASBO was a medal.
Local magistrate Lady Helen D'Arbington-Fitzsmythe said "These new powers will be a welcome addition to our arsenal for dealing with anti-social behaviour. And, let's face it, some of these workshy little cunts need a good kicking, especially the shitehole who key'd my Roller. I know where you live and I'll have your knackers on a fucking plate, you see if I don't."
She added, "Please excuse me, but I have to address the Chidlington WI on the joys of flower pressing."