A radical cleric who dedicates his life to fundamental skateboarding has won the right to demonstrate the sport at London 2012.
In a hurriedly-built half-pipe, Abu ‘The Grind’ Qatada wooed a crowd of journalists with a series of gnarly moves typical of the extremist sport. But the mood quickly soured and Qatada ‘totally bailed’ after he was asked if he’d have his photo taken with members of the women’s team.
Controversy is never far from the raddest jihadist, the founder member of the ‘Axles of Evil’ is a sworn opponent of ‘freestyle’. “These moves are not open to interpretation. Those that perform ‘Nosehook Impossibles’, ‘anti-Caspers’ or ‘Helipops’ are imperialist running dogs”, decreed the well-sick street performer. “Although I would never say that to Tony Hawk’s face.”
While Qatada certainly has his followers, his uncompromising demands that all skaters practice five times a day and his open hostility to other roller sports has led to calls for him to just try and ‘chillax’.
“Qatada is always condemning people who don’t stick to his strict routine”, complained one fellow skater, “then he deliberately misinterprets the rules for his own benefit. No-one really believes you get bonus points for making a promo video before you set off, but sometimes there’s just no arguing with him.”
Witnesses of the demonstration agreed that Qatada nailed his routine, an explosive mix of traditional tricks and an hour and a half of ranting. But the Olympic committee may not allow him to perform in London again, after he claimed they were part of a ‘zionist plot’.
“It was culturally insensitive to ask me to shake hands with the Israeli team”, declared Qatada, “they know I refuse to recognise their boarders.”