By Spacey, Gary Stanton and Waylandsmithy
Your handy print off and forget about guide to the weeks television highlights
Celebrity Toilet Mishaps
This week National Lottery hostess Jenni Falconer remembers the time that her fingers went through the toilet paper, leaving her with excrement on her hand.
"I couldn't even remember eating sweetcorn," recalls the man-shouldered presenter.
How To Look Good In Solitary Confinement
The Gok Wan roadshow makes a beeline for Guantanamo.
Tonight the fashion guru gives a pep talk to chronically depressed inmates who don't take too kindly to being called 'girlfriend'.
Meanwhile orange jumps suits are out as Auntie Gok's sassy new range of waterproofs ensure inmates can look just great when undergoing 'enhanced interrogation techniques'
Teenage Militant Ninja Students
More cartoon capers as the gang set about causing further trouble for the establishment.
Gavin sticks it to the man by throwing a shopping trolley off a multi-storey car park after he finds out the food parcel his mum sent him doesn't contain his usual brand of duck pate.
Leslie Grantham's Web Cam Wanks
Jizz-based game show hosted by former EastEnder Leslie Grantham.
Female contestants compete for cash by attempting to determine the identity of Panto stars that are furiously masturbating at them via web cam.
Can they guess the celebrities' identities before they fire off their filthy man-muck?
Jools Holland Uninvited
Jools Holland turns up out of the blue to add some piano accompaniment to a set being performed by a popular Musician.
This week Jools interrupts a concert by Marilyn Manson in an attempt to provide the shock rocker's set with a more honky tonk edge.
"Most of the keys have been removed from his anus, but they're having a few complications with the stool," reveals the former Squeeze member's manager.
Pro-Celebrity Soggy Biscuit
More masturbating mayhem as Joe Pasquale teams up with 3 times UK champion John 'Jizzy' Gillespie to take on Public Enemy's Flavor Flav and current US champ Hank 'The Spoff' Hasselspoff.
A controversial contest as Joe and Jizzy win the toss and choose a Jaffa Cake as the target for their he-mess. Flav and The Spoff refer the selection to the referee, but with the pages of the rule book stuck together it goes to the public vote.
Genitals Do The Funniest Things
Hilarious show in which Michael Barrymore interviews men who have absolutely no control over the antics of their genitals.
The 'owright' star, who may or may not harbour a dark secret, also meets a woman whose vagina resembles Predator eating a kebab.
Ill-informed lunchtime gossip show cum women's magazine featuring Lynda Bellingham and Carol Vorderman talking about stuff that appeals to people who hate themselves and have nothing better to do.
This week: waxing
A five part documentary that seeks to explore the toxic effects of extreme drinking on the hitherto teetotal Amish community of Winsconsin.
Todd turns up at Bible study with a delicious Cabernet Sauvignon, but is thrashed to with an inch of his life as punishment.
The community comes together in deciding the right moment to switch off his life support machine.
Park and Ride
Join members of the influential nineties shoegaze combo 'Ride' as they find interesting stuff to do in parks.
This week frontman Mark builds an excellent den out of bracken but the day turns sour when Loz gets his fingers bitten by a squirrel.
The boys then argue about whether he should go for a tetanus jab
1,000 lb Drop Live
Davina McCall is joined by two more cocky retards, as they attempt to throw heavy objects from the balcony of her hotel. Available in metric on digital channels.
Celebrity stashed in the attic
Noel Edmonds has been wrapped in old paper and stuffed in a loft. Can you be bothered to find out if it's yours? Subtitles, if the banging gets too loud.
I Can Afford a Massive House
Kirsty and Phil help another couple flaunt their unlikely wealth, as they moan and bitch about a series of castles within commuting distance of their imaginary successful business. Will they actually buy one, or decide to stay in their council house?
Can't Cook Fuck That
A lazy twat eats a pizza that's still frozen, while watching a cookery programme in his saggy pants. Contains upsetting scenes.
Quadroschizophrenia (1978, PG)
A group of four young mods travel to Brighton on mopeds that only exist in their imagination. Will they make it all the way without having a complete breakdown?
Described by critics as 'the feel odd film of the year' and 'insensitive horseshit'.
Contains some strobe lighting and a voice telling you to obey chickens.