After what has been dubbed by switch board operators as What the Fuck - Sunday, The Nation’s beloved sense of hearing is slowing returning. Panic swept the country at about 9.06pm GMT on Sunday when it sat down to watch the first part of the BBC’s television adaptation of Sebastian Faulk’s Birdsong. Within minutes the NHS reported a spike in incoming calls that Christopher Sykes, a volunteer operator described as “an aural blood bath”.
As the storm begins to subside after the anarchy that ensued, final emergency call figures are set to have reached somewhere in the vicinity of a record breaking 5.9 million, with sensory emergencies totalling 100% of the calls. Lauren Wood, Deputy Supervising Manager of 999™, remarked, “It was like being in one of them twilight zones, an’ not the one where Robert Pattinson tongues your neck.” The similarity between each call is being quantified as supernatural by medical experts, where victims described the epidemic as episodes of occasional aural black outs. One victim stated, “What was strange about it all was that the actor’s mouth was open but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying, I then started to panic.”
Health Minister Simon Burns condemned the program for its subliminal properties and malevolent interests, but the BBC has side stepped the issue by claiming nothing untoward went on during filming and subsequently have called the actor responsible forward to account for themselves.
The actor in question, 30 year old Eddie Redmayne, has been unavailable to comment but close school chum and old-mucker Geoffrey Mountbatten tweeted on Sunday evening “so that’s what you were boasting about earlier Redo #Wizardry”, alluding to the general consensus that Redmayne himself has some kind of supernatural gift.
The rest of Britain were unable to comment after switching to Channel 9 in favour of white noise at 9.01pm GMT, but a number of conspiracy theories are beginning to materialize, the most popular being linked to Redmayne’s acting capacity and Abi Morgan’s screenplay writing aptitude. However this is being preserved by many as nonsensical poppy-cock considering the subject matter. Charles Spencer’s review consecrated this by accentuating that the immortality of trench based drama can only ever have the same calibre as the men who bravely gave their lives all those year ago.
At a time when Government debt is clipping the trillion mark, an outcry for improvements to 999™ couldn’t come at a worse time for The Nation, but Health Ministers insist they have learnt a valuable lesson ahead of this Sunday’s encore. “We are doing everything we can to ensure something like this doesn’t happen again, but if reckless narcissists are hell-bent on terrestrial-terrorism, we need to be able to respond accordingly, #Capital Punishment.”