Cabinet Minister Chris Huhne is at the centre of a fresh driving storm after allegations that he attempted to remove a series of speed bumps from outside a primary school using a mallet and a chisel. Residents of the street near Huhne’s grace and favour home alerted police after they were woken at 3am by ‘the repetitive sound of amateurish chiselling’ and occasional muffled cries of ‘for fuck’s sake’.
Officers then followed a trail of powdered asphalt which led them directly to Huhne’s address where they discovered a ‘warmish’ chisel in the boot of Huhne’s Capri. Assorted driving paraphernalia was later removed from the premises including a receipt for ‘go faster’ stripes from Halfords and a king size poster of Nicky Lauder which had been hanging in the Energy Secretary’s bedroom.
Huhne claims he was looking after the chisel for a friend and that a Clarkson DVD found in his glove compartment was planted there by his vengeful ex-wife. Police are also believed to be in possession of text messages sent between Huhne and friend ‘Peter X’ in which the pair describe Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond as ‘ace’ and discuss the giddying effects of taking a corner at sixty. More incriminating, however, is Huhne’s post on an internet stone masonry forum in which he enquires as to the correct angle at which to apply force to asphalt in order to ensure maximum fissure.
Meanwhile pupils at St John’s Infants were dismayed to find their former stone guardians in ruins; chief among them a raised section of concrete measuring 4 by 3 metres, which the children had affectionately dubbed “Bumpy”. Headmaster Lucian Morgan said, ‘Bumpy and his asphalt chums have saved the lives of countless generations of schoolchildren following their installation in June 1987 after little Tony Perkins of class 3H came second in a game of chicken with a Cortina. I’ve tried to explain all of this to the children but how do you explain something like that? ’
And following Nick Clegg’s comments on the Andrew Marr show, Huhne’s fluffy dice appeared to be hanging by a thread. Clegg told Marr “We as a Government want the highest standards of probity to be in place in everything that is done by Cabinet members .If found guilty, there’s the possibility of a Speed Awareness course and a minimum of three points on his licence.
“Of course he could always pass those on to his wife”