Shockwaves have been sent through the online community at the News Biscuit website when a mediocre submission from mildly able contributor “UnoEye” was awarded a star rating appropriate to the submission’s merit.
‘Well I thought the title was moderately humorous so I decided to read more’ explained Waylandsmithy ‘but then I read the rest of the post and realised that although the idea had potential the post was incoherent and quite lazily constructed. Many of the jokes simply fell flat and some of them were quite frankly a bit disturbing. I was going to award it the obligatory five stars anyway, if for no other reason than sympathy, but then this weird feeling came over me, almost as if the gods had spoken, and I thought “What if I only award it two stars simply because it’s not that good?” I immediately started shaking because it seemed such a crazy idea but before I knew what had happened my hand moved the mouse and bang, I’d awarded the post two stars. I then went and poured a stiff drink to clam my nerves’.
The revolutionary move has caused an avalanche of honest ratings across the whole website. Poor submissions are being awarded single stars, good ones are getting three and great ones are getting five. Contributor Al Opecia described it as ‘Utter chaos’.
‘Shit just got real’ said The All New Jeni B ‘this is a game changer. This is the kind of thing you only ever read about happening to other people. My hand’s even shaking, look’.
‘I read UnoEye’s post’ began Username ‘but at the end I realised that it just wasn’t very funny. I could see what he was going for but the end result was muddled and confused. It was alright, but it wasn’t great. So I thought “Why the hell don’t I just award it an appropriate number of stars to reflect that position?”’
‘I wanted it to be funny’ added Vertically Challenged Giant ‘my god did I want it to be funny. But I found it not so much funny as embarrassingly painful. I feel for the guy I really do. I assume he must have been raised on a steady diet of Jim Davidson DVD’s or something. Maybe he’s a Russell Brand fan? I don’t know what his problem is but I just gave it one star. It felt weird and unnatural but my New Year’s resolution was to try new things and this seemed like a good place to start’.
‘We have no idea where this will lead’ began dvo4fun sombrely ‘this is unknown territory, the envelope has been pushed, we are through the looking glass people. So hold tight Alice because the rides about to get bumpy’.
In response to the situation UnoEye complained ‘It’s obvious that everyone’s just jealous of my incredible comedy talent. Either that or they simply don’t know what funny is. My post was hilarious and I know it was because my Mum said so and she wouldn’t lie, you can carve that shit in stone’.