Fears of a hung parliament have been forgotten as indications point to a landslide victory for Labour with an incredible 98.6% of the popular vote. Gordon Brown has been quick to reward his campaign manager, Robert Mugabe, brought in secretly last week in a last-ditch attempt to avoid defeat, with the post of Chancellor of the Exchequer.
BBC pundit Jeremy Vine said there was little reaction when Halifax, the first constituency to declare, was retained by Labour, until the votes were announced. “The swingometer just crashed completely after one result,” he said. “Neither the Conservatives nor Lib Dems recorded a single vote. We now expect every seat to be Labour except for a Monster Raving Loony MP in South Norfolk, where people were experimenting with tactical voting.”
Commentators say that some ballot boxes did look a bit different from the standard issue, and there were some entire books of ballot papers where none of the voting slips had been torn out, but they were assured by UN observers and machinegun-toting returning officers that this was quite normal.
Mr Mugabe’s first acts were to award himself a salary of £1,000,000,000,000 and to move into Buckingham Palace, even before all the results were in, but Mr Brown has no objection. “Robert says the Government will be rid of its debts by the end of the month,” said a grinning Brown, “which is the sort of achievement money just can’t buy. In fact, money soon won’t be able to buy anything at all, but that’s a small price to pay.”
Mugabe has closed down all businesses and transferred everyone to the public sector, something Mr Brown failed to achieve in 13 years. Immigration is no longer a problem as millions queue to leave the country. Although an attempted purge of intellectuals who might revolt failed for lack of targets, attention has turned to talent show presenters, who do.
With his political and economic ambitions now realised, Brown says he intends to devote more time to his new hobby of hunting. After bagging a brace of Blairs, he is looking forward to a weekend meet in Rochdale.