Shame-faced Met Office officials have today admitted that their global warming predictions are in tatters due to their reliance on data gathered from a fund-raising ‘thermometer’ outside a church just down the road from the Met Office.
Met Office employee Michael Davies explained ‘we kept seeing what looked to all intents and purposes like a fully functional thermometer outside the church when we went to pray for a correct forecast every day, and it seemed to be going up and up. We of course immediately jumped to the conclusion that global temperatures were rising due to increased CO2 emissions and that mankind needed to change its ways before the planet was destroyed, but it turns out it wasn’t a real thermometer and it was just recording funds raised for repairs to the church roof.’
Of particular concern was a sharp rise in ‘temperature’ recorded on the ‘thermometer’ in the summer of 2007. ‘We were very worried when we saw the jump in temperatures that summer’ agreed Davies, ‘but the vicar now tells us that that was due to a bidding war over Mrs Lucas’ extremely popular home-made Madeira cake at the church fete and not the increased economic output of India and China like we told everybody.’
Other suspected surges in global temperatures have since been attributed to a very popular beetle drive, a well-attended jumble sale and a highly competitive sponsored silence by Sunday school pupils that led to fears that Mauritius would disappear by the end of the year.
‘We’re so embarrassed’ added Davies, ‘although it is kind of funny when you think about it. All those guilt trips, political campaigns and crisis summits and it turns out that it wasn’t a real thermometer after all. You’ve got to laugh.’
Local vicar Reverand Seward saw the funny side of the mix-up as well. ‘It’s ironic really’ he chuckled, ‘if they’d been right about global warming and we did start getting droughts we wouldn’t have needed a new roof anyway. By the way, can I interest you in raffle ticket?’