"Holy shit, did we really believe this crap for all these years?"
That was the comment yesterday, expressed by Scientology leader Derrick Holmes, that forced millions of Scientologists to admit "I suppose we might have got it wrong a bit."
Waving a document detailing the Church of Scientology's beliefs before a throng of thousands, Holmes said: "I've just read through this. What a load of horse shit. I always meant to read it, but didn't get round to it until last night. I can't believe I've wasted so many years following this. Have any of you actually read it?"
All the Operating Thetans in the audience shrugged, looked embarrassed and admitted "he might have a point." The alabaster-faced singing heir Lisa-Marie Presley said: "I feel like such an idiot. What must people have thought all those years when I was telling them that mankind was created by an alien called Xenu who then went on to blow up volcanoes with hydrogen bombs."
Presley went on to express her joy at discovering that Xenu did not actually exist, and therefore had not been kept in an electronic trap on a mountain side for the last 75 million years. She added she was now reading the Bible, which "makes a lot more sense."
The electro-pop squirrel Beck exclaimed: "Oh, now I think about it, I guess he's right. I was reading through all of this a few weeks ago and I did start to think it made no sense. I think we've been had. I only followed it because everyone else was."
Sales of L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology textbooks plummeted after the news. A US company that produced e-meters, devices which Scientologists claimed could read thoughts, was forced to lay off 1,200 members of staff.
Film midget Tom Cruise appeared on national television to admit he had made "a massive balls up" with his life. "What was I thinking? Was I really so desperate for company that I joined a group who thought they could talk to plants and animals?" Cruise vowed instead to devote more energy into playing the panpipes.