Parents are to be encouraged to smack their objectionable offspring more often and with greater force, the government announced today. In plans to make life a little more bearable for the general public, the government is encouraging tired and overworked parents to be free to give their children a 'fat lip' or 'thick ear' when they run amok in public.
"I was at my local cafe, trying to enjoy a ludicrously priced coffee and minature biscotti, whilst trying to forget how much I detested my job." Said Duncan Monroe, a civil servant from Aldershot. "When a child started running from one end of the room to the other, announcing each completed sprint with an ear piercing shriek, before running back. It was like a bleep test from hell. Then, out of nowhere, a parent grabbed his arm, and gave him a sharp smack across the chops, and told the little antichrist to stop. Like that, a heavenly silence descended. I saw someone stand up and start clapping, followed by another patron, and then another, until everyone joined in. It was like Dead Poet's Society for aggrieved parents, or just people who find children deeply irritating."
A spate of popular uprisings such as these have encouraged a rethink on government policies towards the treatment of children in public, with one government minister announcing plans to give power back to the people. "Whether it's a jumping kick to the lower back, a body slam, or just a death stare whilst slowly drawing ones finger across the neck, people will be given free reign to discipline both their own, and other people's children pretty much how they wish. I think it's time to admit that perhaps we underestimated just how detestable children can be."