“I can’t believe it,” says Professor David Warren, director for the centre right Policy Institute Forum Group. “I checked the tank last night before I went home and it was totally full of valuable original thought, the work of years of research. The thoughtometer was completely on the big “F”. This morning, I tapped the tank as I always do, and there was an ominous echoing sound. I checked the dial. It was on “E”. I checked the level with the thought dipstick. We always call it “Mr Clegg,” but this morning was no time for jokes I can tell you! No sign of thought showed up. So naturally I dialled 999.”
Inspector Jane Larkin from the Police Intellectual Property Unit (PIPU) later told a press conference that an un as-yet amount of thinking had been removed from the Centre’s premises unlawfully. “This is not the work of Wikileaks. As yet, we think the thoughts may have been removed by think tank personnel, but forensics are notoriously difficult where ideas are concerned. We’ve still got a complete sit com – clearly a stolen one - in our evidence room, and no idea who the owner is. I know Nicholas Lyndhurst is a popular figure in the comedy world, but enough’s enough.”
The idea that the thoughts may have been removed by insiders is “unthinkable” according to think tank insiders, but with all three political parties short on thought, and Ed Milliband in crisis about his own alleged thoughtlessness, it’s possible the policy ideas may be passed off by thought “touts”.
Inspector Larkin of the thought police is clear about what the public should do: “If a man in a pub says to you ‘I’ve got an idea’ make an excuse, leave the pub and ring us on the special 0800 number. Try and avoid listening to the idea as this could implicate you. On the other hand, avoid putting your fingers in your ears and singing the theme song from the Banana Splits as this may arouse suspicion.”