Hopeful Prime Ministerial candidate, David Cameron, is reported to be keeping a low profile today, following amazing revelations that during his time at top toffs' school, Eton College, he was excused the ancient ritual of having to 'fag' for senior boys.
Cameron's old housemaster, Nigel Rigel, has released the sensational news with just two days to go before Briton's cast their votes, in what many pundits are calling, the "too close to call general election". He told reporters:
"David was something of a wimp at school and seemed to have a sick-note for almost every activity within the curriculum. And this aloofness also extended to other aspects of school life. Whereas other boys were delighted to be treated as slaves and were frequently thrashed to within an inch of their lives by boorish bullies who accused them of having buttered their crumpets incorrectly, David refused to join in with the rough and tumble of it all. In my opinion it makes him quite unsuitable to hold any sort of high office"
However Tory Grandees are hotly disputing Mr Rigel's comments and are rallying to Mr Cameron's defence; slamming the report as nothing short of a beastly smear campaign by nasty dirty grubby little left-wing ticks and oiks. One said:
"This is a beastly smear-story and quite simply not true. David was well-hard an that when he was at Eton, and had no trouble handing out beatings to smaller and younger boys. Particularly when he was a member of The Bullingdon, along with Boris Johnson"
It remains to be seen if this startling news will "piss on Mr Cameron's chips" and lead to numbers of supporters turning their backs on him in their droves.
All of course, will be revealed come Friday morning, when Mr Cameron may, or indeed may not, receive a mandate to govern these islands.