Prime Minister David Cameron has today announced that Scotland is to be released from Britain on the grounds of ill-health. Legal advisers for the country, which was sentenced to be part of Great Britain in 1707, had been seeking a parole hearing in 2014, but a decision has now been made to release it with immediate effect following medical reports that it is suffering from terminal Scottishness.
‘We’ve looked at all the evidence available and we’re satisfied that Scotland is indeed suffering from an advanced case of Scottishness’ confirmed Mr Cameron. ‘Many of the symptoms are untreatable, like thinking the Irn Bru is nice and continually producing top class football managers. Apparently it’s untreatable, so we’re going to let it slip peacefully into national self-determination,’
Scotland’s representative Alex Salmond welcomed the announcement, telling reporters ‘this is morally the right thing to do. Scotland should be allowed to die at home with dignity (although between you and me I’ve got a feeling its chances of survival might be a bit better than Mr Cameron thinks, but don’t tell anyone.)’
The move has been criticised by American senator Robert Menendez however. ‘This is a real kick in the teeth for all American citizens who have been victims of Scotland over the years’ he argued. ‘Hundreds of innocent Americans have been forced to eat haggis on holidays to Scotland, and let’s not forget all the so-called pop acts they’ve wilfully inflicted on us over the years – Lulu, the Bay City Rollers, Susan Boyle. And don’t even get me started on tartan. It’s a disgrace, and Britain should be ashamed that it’s even considering setting Scotland free.’
Mr Cameron defended the decision however, saying ‘the UK has a reputation for compassion and fair play around the world, and this will only serve to strengthen that reputation. I know there are some who think that Scotland isn’t really sick at all, but I say them, just look at how few of them vote Conservative – something’s got to be wrong up there.’