Forget Stripograms and Kissograms, the latest craze for birthday parties is an Ed Mil-ogram. This new offering will see the Labour leader deliver a message of your choice and then spend the evening disagreeing with everything the birthday boy or girl says, but failing to offer any alternative suggestions.
Miliband has begun offering the service in his home constituency of Doncaster, but is considering extending it nationwide in an attempt to boost his profile amongst voters.
‘I was having a party for my 30th birthday and my friends arranged for Ed to turn up as a surprise.’ said Duncan Burns, believed to be the first recipient of an Ed Mil-ogram, ‘He wished me a happy birthday and read out a slightly insulting little rhyme that my friends had written, it was really good. I expected him to leave after that but he hung around looking a bit gormless and lost.’
‘It got a little awkward after a few minutes so I went to get some food from the buffet and he followed me. I picked up some slightly burned sausage rolls but he said I shouldn’t be eating them as they’d been 'cooked too far, too fast’. I put them back and got a piece of quiche instead, but Ed said I shouldn’t eat that either. Every time I picked something up he said I shouldn’t eat it, but when I asked him what I was supposed to eat he just shrugged and said ‘not that’. It was a bit annoying in the end.’
Duncan’s parents, who had organised the party, were then offended when Miliband claimed that if he’d organised it everybody would have had a three course steak dinner instead of a buffet, and he would have done it on half the budget.
Other offerings are also available, inspired by Miliband’s lead. These include a Nick Clegg-ogram, where customers can choose a message for the Deputy Prime Minister to read out, only to have him turn up and read something completely different.
[Hat-tips to Scroat and dvo4fun for the inspiration]